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When I created this journal at least eight months ago, I had terrible intentions of filling it with diaries of self-mutilation (both mental and in some ways physical, though not through cutting and the more 'standardized' methods) and trouble-making, shutting it off from the world, and using it to keep a sort of dually sadistic and masochistic record of my - for lack of a better term - shenanigans. This was in a time where I believed the only way to achieve my goals was through cruelty and pain towards myself, and to grow stronger and work through it in the processes.
What I did find was, in the end, a very harsh and unforgiving wakeup-call that all I was doing to myself was hopelessly, helplessly, torturing my own better intentions and good humor and ultimately punishing myself for, in truth, nothing. I have washed away all and any vestiges of the entries which laid here before, have opened this journal publicly, and anything I say here will remain that way.
This is the first public journal I will have kept in years, but I believe it is important.
This journal used to be called accedence in the spirit that I would let my own malicious intentions overtake me, that I would give them the permissions to rule my life in such a way. To 'teach' me, perhaps, in a Saw-like manner, to grow beyond the walls that seemed to have been placed around me.
But now, its meaning will be changed, to an admission - to letting myself become who I have always strove to be in a much more whole way, in a much more self-supporting and building way rather than a self-destructive one. I have never dared in the past 18 months to allow myself to see myself as capable, intelligent, or someone who is not only willing but able to grow and become a butterfly from the cocoon.
I am hoping that my friends who read this will become a part of this journal, and this journey, as I chronicle it here over the remaining pieces of 2008 and into the fullness of 2009.
Here we go.
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